hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
