Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
