So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
