How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
