After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
