Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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