grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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