Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
