Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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