last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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