Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
