I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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