Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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