I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
