Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
