guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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