Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
