I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
