My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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