i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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