some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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