I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You need a sexual gate keeper
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
