Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
how drunk are you?
Several
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
