i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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