even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
