It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
