Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize