it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
