I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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