I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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