WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
