I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
