Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
