i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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