Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
