this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
God I need to hump something, right now.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
