my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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