Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
