ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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