Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Help me help you realize you are a moron
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
