the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
