Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
