puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
