i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
How's work?
Spinning.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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