Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
