I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
