If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize