put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
