You just made me feel so damn special
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
