You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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