i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
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