Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
