yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
