Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
