guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
