I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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