Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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