When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
