Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize