i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
