That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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