I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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