My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
