I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
