nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
